I have wild boys. At times they wrestle each other too harshly, they hurt each other when they don’t get their way, model reverence is a distant goal, words they aren’t supposed to say are often used, and bedtime can push both parents to a near breaking point.

I’ve thought a lot, I’ve read a lot a lot of discipline. I have tried new tactics occasionally, regressed to old and less than wonderful tactics like yelling. More than anything though, one experience and phrase has stuck with me to guide my efforts.

I was praying to God, asking for help with my children. And I felt this overwhelming love from Him, as I often do when I reach out toward Him. Every time I have asked for help, testimony, or anything else the answer comes at first as a feeling of love. This time as I was basking in His love, I thought the phrase, “Overwhelm them with love.”

“Overwhelm them with love” was my answer for all the discipline with my children. Too often in the past I have turned to anger instead of love and gotten nowhere. But turning to love instead always works.

So today, when my two children decided to engage in a loud physical fight right in the middle of church, I took them out into a room by ourselves. I told them firmly that they were in trouble and that was not acceptable behavior. My oldest was very upset about getting into trouble and cried and complained loudly for a while. I let him. And then when he started to calm himself down, I went up and put my arm around him and told him I love him, and listened to him.

My child needed to be told what he was doing wasn’t acceptable. But he also need someone to listen to him and know that he was loved no matter what. He needed someone to patiently and calmly help him through his emotions so he would be able act more appropriately.

Love accomplishes more than any other act of discipline. It isn’t my first train of thought when the kids are acting up to overwhelm them with love. But it is always the best course of action.

It’s still October, but Christmas trees are popping up and the season of buying massive amounts of gifts begins. I look forward to finding fun new toys and games from my children and family…but sometimes the amount of presents that seems required for others becomes a bit overwhelming.

At certain times in life, many of us become wealthy enough that if we really want or need something we go out and buy it for ourselves. After years of school, I feel I have reached this stage in my life. Previously, I often had a list handy for people of things that I would appreciate or needed for an upcoming birthday or Christmas. Now, my list of things I want that I haven’t bought are generally pretty expensive and not something that actually makes a good present.

But presents are still expected. So I get a range of presents that include the useful but impersonal gift card, gifts that I know will eventually end up at the thrift store or get dusty on a shelf, and only occasionally something that actually is meaningful and appreciated. It isn’t the gift givers fault—it is just where I am at in my life where I have more than enough stuff already cluttering my life.

I think there is a way to give gifts that bears nothing to the routine that we have placed ourselves in. I don’t think we should give up on giving presents—even when people seem to have more than enough stuff. I think there are just some different ways to give gifts that we should focus on instead of the routine overload of presents that sometimes happens.

1) Re-gifting. We are good friends with another family and have attended each other children’s birthday parties. The kids exchanged presents, which they enjoyed. But we haven’t bought anything. Instead our kids received re-gifted toys that have sat under-used in our closets. I think my son learns more about giving by picking out one of his favorite hot wheels to give to his friend for his birthday, instead of just picking up a random present at the store. I also don’t feel bad if down the road I end up not keeping the present we received.

Re-gifting can be effective for adults as well. I often own things that are surplus for me, but might be appreciated by someone else. I’ve enjoyed furniture received from aunts and parents during times that I’ve moved, or clothing that was not wanted by others but I loved. One story that has stuck with me years after reading it is a couple who gave away a buffet table to a friend who admired it. They still would have used the buffet table, but realized it would be better appreciated by the friend.

2) Those in need or want
Presents meant a lot more when I was in college and unable to afford any luxuries. We all frequently have times in our lives when we only scrape by. During those times, gifts are meaningful as we receive items we wanted but could not afford. I also like to give gifts at times of weddings and baby showers, when people can use a lot of new items.

4) Because we have something to give
I have received presents that I loved. My sister gave me an air plant recently. I was very appreciative of that gift. She understood what I liked, and got me a gift accordingly. I sometimes have great ideas for presents for others as well, and find something that for whatever reason they would love but wouldn’t get for themselves. I’ve also been the recipient of homemade presents like crocheted blankets and scarves. Because I don’t possess the skill necessary to make these presents, they are also very appreciative and wanted. At times, I’ve given landscape designs as gifts to family and friends. I enjoy sharing my talents, and know the gifts are more meaningful than another routine gift-card.

5) Thinking of you
If a birthday or gift-giving opportunity presents itself, sometimes the best gift isn’t another random present but a simple card or other way to let the person know that we are thinking of them. Mailing birthday cards to far away relatives, remembering to tell someone happy birthday or congratulations doesn’t always need to be accompanied by any present, but the thought is still appreciative.

Gift-giving doesn’t have to a be another way that just adds to the amount of often useless junk in our lives. If we are paying attention to the people around us, we can start giving gifts that are more meaningful and wanted. Gifts shouldn’t be something that we just do because we are supposed to, but a way to help others, share our talents, or just let people know we are thinking of them.