I want to do more of the things I enjoy doing. Reading outside while the kids play. Giving hugs and kisses. Being productive at my chores. Spending time thinking and researching about topics I’m interested in. Physically working hard. Waking up early. Organizing, and planning. Writing, taking photographs. Hiking, gardening, working on my house (but not drywall–that’s no fun at all). Playing games with others, getting inspired online, and more.

During college, I wanted to get a degree so I could be successful and have a career. I married and started a family instead. And during the early years of marriage, when money was tight, I wanted to be able to make a bit of extra money in my free time, and I did. Sometimes I wouldn’t mind being successful in some area beyond my job as a stay at home mom. But more importantly, I want to be happy and progressing where I’m at.

It is really nice when thing go better than planned. We went on  a nice little bike ride together.

I struggle when my expectations fail. Today I had some fun things planned, and the kids were indifferent. I took it way too personally. Sometimes I’m not as grown up as I would like to be.

Second haircut

Yesterday afternoon we had a friends over and weeded out the garden. This morning we also had a friends over. The little boys enjoyed having toddler friends over and I enjoyed talking to their moms.

I made a resolution to be more friendly this year. A lot of times I treat friendship as more of a task to check off my list. Friendliness isn’t quite like that. I do more with friends if I’m simply being friendly than I do if it ends up on my to do list. I’m also more open to help others, to listen and not ignore them, and to not worry about the tasks I need to get done.

We signed Curtis up for preschool next year. I worried so much about Peter and school, mostly because he was my first and incredibly smart. It was difficult to know what was the best option for him. Curtis is a more typical kid and not my first, so I’m having no such dilemmas about him.

Mother’s day was just fine. We visited our moms. What was more fun was my sister’s birthday, and having this huge cake to eat with only eight people. So much cake.

The toddler loves to babble. From an early age he said random full words. Right now, he mostly has a normal toddler vocabulary with little words like ma-ma, bal, and boo(k). But if I listen closely, he will blurt out with an occasional garbled full sentence.

My preschooler has worried me, because he sometimes refuses to talk. I even took him in to get evaluated. He tested just fine, and gradually he has started to talk more. He doesn’t babble, never has. He has frequently said, “I don’t know how to say it.”

Today he come up to me upset. I’m tired of guessing what’s wrong and not allowing him the opportunity to talk. I asked vague questions to try to get him talking. The problem was inside, but not in any specific room. I was greatly confused at this point. He paused and said, “I think it is in my bedroom.” I still had no idea what was wrong. We went to his bedroom where he promptly found the car he had lost.

I realized today I had to self discipline myself with chores. I could probably spend the majority of every day cleaning and gardening. But I really don’t want to. Today I focused on limiting the amount of chores I did to fit within the time frame I had. The garden still has weeds, the house has crumbs, and I have a ton of chores I could do. But nothing is a disaster because I did work at least a bit. Now I have had more time to spend with my children: listening to them read books, playing Frisbee tag (I still don’t understand the rules), and enjoying their smiles.

I live my life, I talk to my friends, I read what others write,
and I know: God is in this world.

He is there to help all of us
even when our struggles last for years.
Or we reach our promised land
and find that life is still hard.
When work overwhelms us,
when joy is slow to find,
when our mistakes plague us,
and we can’t figure it out,
He is still there.

He is there. Always.
He can turn sorrow into joy,
He can make weak things strong,
He can magnify our efforts.

He loves us. He is our Father.
He can be in control of our lives,
and turn hard things into great things.

I have had the same weakness for years, and I have spent a long time trying to overcome it. Lately, I feel like I’m finally at a place where it doesn’t disrupt my life. It’s taken lots of prayer and study and a bit of counseling. And a lot of effort. I still think I will struggle with the same weakness, but I am no longer afraid of it. I have learned much and worked hard to get myself to this point.

I never thought a trial that at first seemed rather simple and easy to overcome would be around for years. At times I was so frustrated that I wasn’t making the progress I wanted.

But God was always there. His timetable is simply very different than my own. I wanted problems gone now. He answered my prayers much slower: sometimes it has taken years. But at the same time, He answered my prayers in a great degree and more beautifully than I imagined.

All the good that I am is because of Him. And I know He can make much more out of my life than I ever could. Lately, I’ve been looking at people I admire and I’ve realized that they did not get to where they where by their own efforts. God led them. He can lead all of us if we let Him.